IT HAS BEEN A WHILE..

Hi there.. its been quite a while since my last entry to this blog. Definitely a lot has happened and a lot of questions has already popped up. Things are getting more complicated and yet it makes me happier by the day. We already dated a couple of times and He already kissed me a couple of times. But, yah i know what your thinking...are we already a couple? No definitely we are not but we enjoy each others company. He means so much to me and he makes me happy despite the pressures of work. He definitely lights up my days..

As much as I wanted myself to stop this stupidity...I can't. I thought at some point he would stop, but he wouldn't. He would even go to the extent of telling me or informing me that he couldn't text me on a particular day because he has no load for his other phone meant for me. I do not exactly know if he has other numbers but he told me he uses the number only for me and loads up only because he needs to text me.

So many times I really wanted to stop..to just start believing that we can never be. But you know what, everytime I do that I find myself falling deeper in love with him. Sometimes, I can't read his mind. There was one time, I was supposed to leave for an out of town trip. He knows I was leaving and yet he didn't know at what time. I was already halfway thru with my travel when he asked me where I was. When I told him I was nearing my destination he asked me why i didn't tell him i already left. Well, I answered back, do i have to tell you..and he sounded sad that I said it. That left me thinking. Was I really supposed to?

He drops me off at the bus station almost everytime I visit their office (well he got transferred to another office..less than an hour away from my office) and he kisses me everytime we say goodbye. We have had lunch dates and dinner dates yet we never really talked about us. He holds my hand and treats me like im his everything everytime we are together.He never misses a night without texting me. If he is just playing with my feelings he wouldnt do anything of this. Is it possible that maybe he has feelings for me? Like the way that I feel about him? I never text him first, I do not want him to know that I am so into him. He always and never fails to do that though, to text me. I may not be his everything but i know that I am the last person he thinks of at the end of the day.

Im definitely not a mind reader...and I definitely got a gazillion of questions that needs to be answered. Yet I am afraid to ask him. I am not ready for whatever his answers may be. The last time we talked, more than months ago, we promised each other that we will not fall in love with each other. But here I am, not being able to keep that promise not knowing how he feels about me.

NOW U DEFINITELY HAVE AN IDEA WHY WE CANT BE! If Kent sees this he'll definitely know its him! I am talking with him right now and he knows I'm blogging...and... God I miss him! I wanna hug him right this minute..

" He said I just called because..."

I said " what.."

He answered " Never mind its useless anyway...nothing would happen...!"

Hay lord!

Hinder Lyrics
Lips Of An Angel Lyrics

Justin Timberlake Lyrics
One Last Cry Lyrics

its been a while since i've written anything. A lot has happened and I do not exactly know how to start writing.. Words would never come out maybe because whatever I had been feeling the last couple of days are beyond words. Yah rumors had spread in the office about me and kent.. everytime I would talk to kent, I feel everyone staring at us. He told me that someone did saw us holding hands. And I was so worried but he took it all away by making me smile despite of everything. Once I was explaining things to him...He looked around and he held my hand. It was such a sweet gesture that I could feel blood rushing through my face. At one time he drop me off at the bus station.. he said goodbye and he held my hand.. everyday I keep on missing him. Everyday I keep on falling for him. I would always catch him staring at me and just like always, everytime I catch him doing so he would smile. And I feel weak everytime I see that smile. Everyday God has made he would text me "haay..." and as often as he does that I would ask him why and he told me " basta..." I had a feeling we were both having a very difficult time trying to keep things to ourselves. Trying to pretend that we were not falling for each other. But hey who are we fooling?! As always, I never wanna assume. I waited for him to tell me something. I know deep in my heart that both of us cant be "us". But someone has to say something so that we would both wake up from such a surreal dream. It is so romantic and its so kilig that its just like a dream.. A dream that I dont wanna wake up from.

We kept this so called relationship to ourselves. We just look each other in the eyes and we know definitely what we are talking about. We kept this on for days and weeks and I was definitely in love with him. Last weekend, I was down with flu and we were texting each other sweet stuff. It was late at night and when he finally blew it off my face. He told me things were really getting complicated and that He dosnt want me to cry. It pains him to see me hard at our so-called relationship. I told him :

" If you think everything is complicated and you are having a hard time, we could actually stop"

He replied, " do you want me to stop?"

" I do not want you to stop but if i pains you this much, if it pains us this much maybe we ought to let go"

" I am falling in love with you and I am afraid that one day, I will just hurt you and make you cry"

We texted each other with this tone of conversation for the next hours. We slept at the wee hours of the morning. I was crying and I was really hurt and so was he. I do not know at this point what really was going on between us...I am definitely in so much pain and I do not know where to pick up the pieces. I had fallen so much in love with him and I am at a lost right now. He made sure I was okay and asked me to promise him that I will not cry. How can you expect me to do just that?

On monday that week, we saw each other and he was still extra sweet. He made me smile. He told me he doesn't want me to feel bad or sad. He wants to make me happy. While everyone else was gone... He looked at me and held my hand. I wanted to hug him and cry but I kept my promise. I do not have enough reason to let him know how hurt I was. I loved him beyond my expectations. I am missing him...so bad...

my sleeping angel!

Friday was the designated day for office outing and gimik. Last friday we thought of all spending the night somewhere for our monthly friday office party. We had food, drinks and music, the perfect recipe for the perfect office party. Almost everyone was there though it wasn't really compulsory...well its just for singles, though not impliedly but thats what always happen. We ate and drank till everyone was tipsy... But I wasn't. I wanted to but I just wasn't in the mood to get sooo...drunk. I didn't know why, but I wanted to be sober for the rest of the day. Everyone was definitely having so much fun...including kent. He was dancing and laughing with everyone. He kept on looking at me but I was sober enough to keep my distance. Of course, I didn't want to be n the headlines come monday at the office.
In the wee hours of the morning, kent, the official treasurer
and me the only sober person who can still drive went out to buy more drinks. While in the car, he kept on looking at me and smiling.He had his hands on my cheeks. I was afraid that he would kiss me...but he didn't (okay i was quite paranoid that night!) He was definitely extra sweet to me in the car. When we came back he made sure he never leaves my side...(kahit san ako napunta ayun..bumubuntot!) Finally I got tired of running away from him...I sat down on the sofa. He sat down beside me. He kept on asking me to dance but i politely said no. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings! We just made small talk and later on i already felt him holding my hands. He was looking into my eyes while making kwento and yah..I was holding his hands too...Heehehehe. How could I say no? hay!!!! We stopped talking and just kept quiet for a while. He rested his head on my shoulder and he kept on kissing my shoulder... I saw one of our officemates watching us. I removed my hands from his and he just laughed and again put his head back on my shoulders. Of course he was kinda drunk to notice. When everyone else already found their place to sleep, I looked at kent and he was like an angel sleeping on my shoulders... Such a beautiful angel... He might have felt me staring at him. He looked at me, kissed my shoulder, held my hand and went back to sleep...hmmmm... that was sweet... So u think i could sleep?! I cannot! I just watched the beautiful angel sleeping next to me...such a beautiful face. I wanted to freeze that perfect romantic moment forever... But everyone started getting up. I got up too and left him sleeping there on the sofa. I was still watching him sleep from across the room. He woke up look around him like he was looking for something. Then he saw me across the room, He smiled at me and I just smiled at him and walked away.

When everyone was preparing to leave, he looked at me and smiled and caressed my back. I knew that some people saw it. I acted like I didn't care. He left ahead of me and my boss. We had our eyes locked like we were talking in some language that only both of us understands. I smiled and then he nodded and left.

Later that day, he texted me " Of course I remembered falling asleep holding your hands." Whew that brought me to heaven. All along I was thinking he was just drunk. Too drunk to even remember his sweet gestures. But I guess he was still sober enough to remember the romantic details.

A perfect day spent with my perfectly charming angel... hay! (I still can't sleep to this day! That moment kept on playing on my mind over and over and over and over...)

Sweet things!

hay.. i still am floating! I need someone to pull me down back to earth!!! Damn this feeling... I was awake for more than 24 hours yet i cant sleep. I cant even find the right words to start this entry on my blog. Let me shake of this feeling for a while!
I'll write all bout this tomorrow.. I cant find myself to write anything yet about what transpired last friday! Goodness.. All i know is I love what I am feeling right now... It is so damn wrong I know.. yet I feel so damn right!!!

Byers!!!

Kent,

There are a thousand things that I wanna tell you and ask you but something is definitely stopping me. I tried so hard to keep this feeling to myself...Tried so hard but to no avail. Now I see myself staring directly into a big dark deep pit. A step away from free falling.

This shit i am feeling is so damn wrong and I so knew it..and yet I allowed it to happen. I know you are not even worth it. You are just one charmingly cute guy who just isn't worth everything. Through the many talks we had I knew that you are not the one... Yet stupid as I am, I'm definitely at the verge of falling in love with you. I know I can stop this stupid shit... Only if I put my mind into it.. But how can I when I can only think of you...This mind can only speak of you...you and more of you.
If holding on is more painful than letting you go..then I guess I have no other choice but to set you free. Someone better than me is definitely worth your love and special attention.

And yes, I am definitely in love with you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

It was a roller coaster of emotions a couple of days ago... last friday, was so much fun and kilig.It was full of fun, laughter and stolen glances and smiles. We, together with our officemates had our usual meeting last friday and chitchat. Minutes before our meeting while awaiting for eveyone else to assemble, Me, Kent and another officemates were talking about love affairs and stuff. Kent and I were facing each other and our other officemate was in her cubicle that makes her not able to see Kent's facial reactions. The whole time his eyes were on me and that made me very conscious that I couldn't look at him straight in his eyes. Everytime I would, He would wink at me and that made me laugh. Although there is no reason to. And He would smile like he was saying...."gotcha!" And then he would smile like he is so amused with himself or me..When I do catch him smiling I would ask : "what's wrong now? Y that silly smile on your face?" and he would just smile and say" nothing". After a few minutes he texted me and told me: " because of you, i am happy. That's why i am smiling!"

I smiled at the text message and I didnt know that he was still looking at me. and he smiled when I saw him doing so. And he texted back..."Does my staring and my smiling make u uncomfortable?" God was I supposed to say?! hahahaha! was i supposed to say " coz ur making me feel so kilig?!" Damn!

When the time to go home finally came, He offered me ride. I gladly accepted, and he still had that silly smile on his face. A smile that I cannot definitely resist! When I finally got home, I said bye and he just smiled and went away.. After a while I looked back and I saw him looking back at me too!! Gosh, what was that?! I can't stop smiling for the rest of the week end, I cant stop thinking of that last look.

Last sunday,he texted me :
" I wanted to kiss you goodbye last friday. I wanted to come back and do just that"

I replied: " Kaya pala lumingon ka"

He replied: " U saw dat?!"

I said yes. He was laughing and was quite ashamed that I saw him. He can't seem to believe that I saw his antics! hay ....i really dont know what to think of these days!

I am glad though that I have this blog. Something that I could make as my escape from everything.. From this rollercoaster of feelings...

7.24 Thursday

Today was definitely kilig day!! The office was a buzz as usual yet i never failed to look into kent's eyes and beautiful face. Often times we'd lock into each others' gaze and i can see the smile in his eyes.. Such a seductive look... my superman. After office hours..we hang out at the office for a while while waiting for the rain to stop. He was sitting with the guys when i decided to join in. I sad beside Kent and I saw the knowing look of the some of the girls. i was sitting close too him since the bench as too crowded already. Though we were sitted beside each other he kept on looking at me and smiling while i was joking with the others. I kept asking him "what" and he'd look away and smile. I stood up acting like I was pikon of him already when really I wasn't, I can't seem to keep hold of myself with such closeness . When I stood up he laughed and pulled me back down holding my hand...hehehehe..God I was so kilig. I couldn't stand it anymore and i had too just leave..so I stood up and left for the kitchen. I looked back and I saw that he was still looking at me, smiling...with that seductive look on his face.

07.23 Wednesday

He called me up last night and i wasn't able to answer cause I was busy blogging! hehehehe.. Anyways i missed him last night. He slept early i guess.. Anyways, he was cute today. We'll he always is. I caught him looking at me a couple of times and yeah i was sure he was looking at me...making pa cute everytime i catch him doing so. Well.. this is it for the time being... byers...

Missing Kent

I miss kent everyday that comes. Yes, i do see him everyday and I talk with him everytime but yet miss him. I miss our laughs together and the way he looks at me. A look that melts my heart. Every little thing he does is magic to me. Anything he does and says brings a smile to my heart/ I know its kinda corny but that is the truth. I definitely don't want to be obvious and transparent about this feeling...but everday..i long for him. One time, i decided not to talk to him or text him the least...And just before our lunch break, he was at my office with a sad look on his face, asking me why i was ignoring him. I just looked back at him and said.."so that you would miss me!" I turned my back when i said it. I didn't want to see his reaction. He left. At night before going to sleep he texted me saying.. " I miss you!" Boy, was I so happy. That started our flirting with each other. Text became our only means of communication. yeah even when we are at the office or when we go out with our office mates. At times, we exchange looks that only the two of us knows what. I would smile and he would look away. I do not know if it is just me, or have i seen him oftentimes looking at me like i was some goddess! I sleep at night knowing that I was the last person he thinks of and I wake up with the sound of his voice saying my name. It feels like an angel sang such a wonderful hymn waking me up for yet another beautiful day. There was yet one time when I went to the office wearing his favorite color. He looked at me, and asked permission that he needs to go home for a while. When he came back, we were wearing the same color of shirt. Yeah, he did that. I blushed and I do not know if someone noticed. I know not what his intentions are or what he was trying to imply. We flirt, yes. But other than that..nada! He never tells me what he feels. He never even asks me out or anything. I really don't know what is between us. Although that I am happy, I am still confused. Yet, when I am with him, all my doubts and confusion seems to fly to the farthest star.

David Cook Always Be My Baby Lyrics

HOW IT ALL BEGAN..

By the way call me yhelle... It had been years since i started work in the office i am in right now. My workplace is buzzed by different personalities and mostly of the male species. We had heartthrobs of course...but I personally don't drool on them cause everyone's like fighting over them... I've had my own group of guy friends in the office and one particularly stand out.For the benefit of this blog let us call him "kent". Kent exudes all the qualities I have in a guy. The perfect gentlemen, with the perfect sense of humor and most of all gives the kind of look that could surely melt one's soul.

The guys had always been aloof to me despite my efforts to be close to them. Yah, because I was superior.But through the years, I have earned what I believed I deserve.... Their friendship. As friendship blossomed between me and the guys... Kent and I had became buddies. We'd text each other too often...I knew that I had the hots for him but I kept it to myself. I never believed an office affair works..more so that I was superior.These are the feelings that I always had kept a big secret. I haven't told anyone and I am very willing to keep it that way. Until today.. I decided to start on this blog...To somehow create an outlet of exactly how I feel...The moments I have and will share with him. The kilig moments that I couldn't share with others...My most kept secret...my most kept love.